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I had had a couple bladder infections that the doctors were concerned about. My mother had a kidney operation when she was about that age, so they were investigating whether there was some genetic weirdness going on with me. An ultra sound detected that one of my kidney's was a bit larger than the other, which lead to a series of embarrassing tests.
On this particular hospital visit, they wanted to insert a tube to fill up my bladder with some crazy fluid they could monitor on a screen. Doctor's don't feel like kids need to be 'in the know' on such matters, so I was only told what was expected of me for each stage. For this stage they only told me that it would be uncomfortable. I would later agree with them that yes it was. But it was also painful and embarrassing. They must have forgotten to tell me that part. Being a good little girl, I just dealt with it and did as I was told. My mom was there, so I trusted I was in good hands.
Once that part was done, they gave me my next instructions: The tube would be removed and they were going to monitor the screen while I peed out all the fluid. I was full and uncomfortable and that sounded like a fine plan.
But wait. They wanted to WATCH me pee? All these people!? Even worse, I was expected to just stand there and pee on a towel on the floor!!!
No. No way. Voyeuristic urination was my line. Good little girls do not pee on towels on the floor. I wasn't having any of that.
It became a battle of will. They just stood there and waited thinking that at some point I couldn't take it anymore and had to do what they wanted.
So we stood there.
And stood there.
Until they got bored and offered a compromise. I could pee into a bucket.
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| Nope. |
Another compromise: I could sit on a wheelchair-toilet. But they were still going to watch.
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| Nope. |
We waited some more because they just weren't understanding my position. Just call me a martyr for the good little girl tribe. I was not budging, whether or not it was going to kill me.
Finally, when they were concerned that my bladder might rupture they admitted defeat and let me enjoy the privacy of a washroom.
Later as we were preparing to leave the hospital in triumph/failure/embarrassment, one of the offending nurses found me and said she knew I had a rough day, and offered me the treat from her Burger King lunch. It was an ALF Melmac Rock record*. I was so thrilled to have this piece of cardboard that it made the whole experience worth while.
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| *Please note: A record, not a CD. It was 1988 |
Epilogue: There turned out to be nothing wrong with my kidneys. One is simply just bigger than the other.
Assholes.
