Stories...that I will probably regret sharing

Something happened this past weekend which drew up a couple memories for me.  Although distasteful, I find that people take great joy in hearing them.

In descending order of grossness...

It wasn't me, I swear!  I am a LADY!

This past weekend, I saw a small something on my carpet.  I wasn't sure what it was because my eyes are not terrific and I'm too lazy to bend over to get a proper look at it.  So I picked it up with my toes, as I'm apt to do, and brought it upwards to see what it was.  The object didn't make it as far as my hands however before I was able to detect what it was from its consistency.  My dear and loving feline had left a small chunk of poo for me.  And now it was between my toes.  Awesome.

Calm down, I poop in my bed too.

Years ago I had a pet iguana named Louie.  Why my parents allowed me to have an iguana, I'll never know, as they grow to nearly 2 meters tip to tail.  Louie lived in an aquarium in my room, but I often left the top of her cage open so she could stroll around as she pleased.  This was never an issue as she always returned to her heat rock and food before too long.  One evening after returning from working a late shift at the movie theatre, I got ready and climbed into bed without turning on the light.  My feet felt cold at the bottom of the bed, but I disregarded that simply assuming they'd warm up shortly.  After a little while I started questioning whether my feet were actually cold or perhaps wet instead.  It took me a while to rouse the energy to get out of bed to flip on the light to verify, but once I did, I discovered that Louie had suffered an impressive bout of diarrhea on the end of my bed, which I had been lying in for a good 15 minutes.


Lastly, and worst of all...

I'm so sweet, I poop chocolate chips

During university I had a pet guinea pig named Venus.  During the summer when I moved home we kept her cage in the kitchen where she could enjoy the most attention as well as close proximity to the vegetable bin.  One afternoon, Sarah and I were enjoying our lunch (read: PC Decadent Chocolate Chunk Cookies) and as we passed by Venus' cage my cookie crumbed a bit and fell on the floor.  Being a good Otten I don't allow cookies to go to waste so I picked up the remnants and ate them anyway.  Another step forward I see a rogue chocolate chip on the floor.  So I ate it.  And then immediately realized that it wasn't a chocolate chip at all.  It was a guinea pig poo.